🤝Friendship Fix-Up
They came home quiet. Someone said something. Or didn't include them. Or was their best friend yesterday and a stranger today.
What's actually happening
Peer conflict is a normal and necessary part of social development, but it doesn't feel normal when your child is the one hurting. Ladd (2005) found that children with at least one reciprocal friendship showed better emotional regulation and school adjustment, but that friendship quality — not quantity — was the key predictor. Exclusion and relational aggression ("You can't play with us") peak between ages 4 and 7 as children develop social hierarchies (Crick & Grotpeter, 1995). Your child isn't overreacting. Social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain (Eisenberger et al., 2003).
What parents usually try
"Just find someone else to play with"
Dismisses the specific loss. The child doesn't want any friend — they want that friend. Minimising the attachment doesn't help them process it.
Intervening directly with the other child or parent
Can escalate the situation and remove the child's agency. Children learn conflict resolution by navigating it with support, not by having it solved for them (Ladd, 2005).
"They're not a real friend anyway"
Invalidates the child's experience. Even complicated friendships matter to children — dismissing them doesn't reduce the pain.
What actually helps
Bibliotherapy gives the child language for feelings they can't yet articulate. The story character experiences the same confusion — liking someone and being hurt by them at the same time — and finds words for it. Pardeck (1994) found that children who engaged with stories about social conflict showed improved social problem-solving skills. The story doesn't resolve the friendship perfectly. It shows the character naming their feeling, expressing it, and discovering that most friendships survive honest conversations.
How this story works
Bibliotherapy models social problem-solving. Instead of telling children what to do, the story shows a character working through the same confusion — so your child builds their own emotional vocabulary.
What your child hears
A story about navigating the confusing middle ground of friendship — when someone hurts your feelings but you still want to be their friend. The character finds words for what they feel and discovers that friendships can survive hard moments.
When to use this story
After your child comes home upset about a peer interaction
When friendship patterns shift (best friends changing groups)
Before social events where the child feels anxious about inclusion
When your child is the one who has hurt someone and feels confused about it
During periods of social adjustment (new class, new school year)
After the story
The story is the beginning. Here's how to keep it going:
“How did the character feel?”
“What words did they use?”
“What can you do when friends aren't being kind?”
Try this
Practice "I feel... when..." statements
The research behind this approach(show)
Therapeutic stories for life transitions like potty training, school anxiety, and new siblings.
- Shechtman, Z. (2009). Treating Child and Adolescent Aggression Through Bibliotherapy. Springer.
- Pardeck, J. T. (1994). Using literature to help adolescents cope with problems. Adolescence.
- Heath, M. A., et al. (2005). Bibliotherapy: A resource to facilitate emotional healing. School Psychology International.