👵Grandparent's Story
There's a person in their life who spoils them, tells them stories about when you were small, and has a house that smells different from any other house in the world.
What's actually happening
Grandparent-grandchild relationships provide what Smith & Drew (2002) call 'low-pressure attachment' — a bond characterised by warmth, indulgence, and the absence of the disciplinary tensions inherent in parent-child relationships. This isn't spoiling — it's a developmentally distinct relationship that serves important functions. Silverstein & Marenco (2001) found that grandparent involvement was associated with fewer emotional and behavioural problems in grandchildren. Mueller & Elder (2003) found that the grandparent relationship was particularly protective during family transitions (divorce, relocation, parental stress).
What parents usually try
Limiting grandparent indulgence
Some boundaries are necessary, but the 'special rules at grandparent's house' aren't weakness — they're a feature. The contrast itself teaches children that different relationships have different qualities (Smith & Drew, 2002).
Assuming the relationship will develop naturally
Geography, technology barriers, and limited visits can weaken the bond. Intentional nurturing of the relationship — through stories, calls, and rituals — strengthens it (Mueller & Elder, 2003).
Using grandparents primarily as childcare
Functional relationships lack the ritual and narrative quality that builds deep attachment. Shared activities and stories create stronger bonds than routine care (Silverstein & Marenco, 2001).
What actually helps
The story preserves and strengthens the grandparent relationship by making it narrative — a shared story the family can return to. It captures specific details about the grandparent that the child will remember (their kitchen, their garden, their particular way of saying goodnight). This narrative preservation is what therapists call 'creating a coherent attachment narrative' (Main et al., 1985) — helping the child build a stable, positive internal representation of an important relationship.
How this story works
Attachment theory extends beyond parents. Grandparent bonds are unique attachment relationships that provide children with a sense of lineage, identity, and unconditional belonging.
What your child hears
Your child hears a story about a special visit to grandparent's house — the traditions, the treats, the feeling of being someone's favourite person. The story preserves a relationship that matters enormously.
When to use this story
Before or after a visit to grandparents
When grandparents live far away and visits are infrequent
After a grandparent passes away, to preserve the relationship in memory
When a child is missing their grandparent
As a gift for grandparents — a story about their special bond
After the story
The story is the beginning. Here's how to keep it going:
“What do you love doing with Nana/Grandpa?”
“What does your grandparent teach you?”
“What's your favourite memory together?”
Try this
Draw a picture together, or call/video-call grandparent to share the story
The research behind this approach(show)
Stories that strengthen parent-child connection through shared moments. Bonding stories are shorter (~80% of the standard age target) because attachment research shows the ritual itself drives bonding — the conversation after the story is as important as the story itself.
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
- Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment. Erlbaum.
- Mindell, J. A., et al. (2015). Bedtime routines for young children: A dose-dependent association with sleep outcomes. Sleep, 38(5), 717–722.
- Sroufe, L. A. (2005). Attachment and development: A prospective, longitudinal study from birth to adulthood. Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), 349–367.
- Harter, S. (2012). The Construction of the Self. Guilford Press.